Happiness Hit Her Like a Bullet In The Back

Just one more reason I'm completely, totally, and unfailingly in love with this woman. Florence Welch of Florence + the Machine.

Time to joydance.

Claws

I've reached critical mass in terms of this internship - once I started really looking at apartments, and now that I have one, my mind has shifted into school mode and art mode again. My patience for the absurdities and inefficiencies at this theatre has reached an end, and, though I'm trying to fight it and stay dedicated, mentally I'm just not there anymore.

Performing isn't a problem - every performance is a test of my education and willpower and a chance to prove myself one more time, so performing is just as focused as ever (though the children's show leaves something to be desired...). Just the managerial crap, and tolerating people who don't deserve any tolerance, and faking smiles and subservience, and having no desire to help people who refused to help me.

As I was discussing with my dad this morning, I realized "When I was little i thought the grown up world was all professional, and that the stupid, mean kids would grow out of it. Now I know that those stupid, mean kids just grow up and take their petty, lazy behaviour with them, it just changes form. And it's not a fun moment of being disillusioned when you find out grown ups are just as awful as kids, they just have more power to make your life miserable or difficult." So what is a disillusioned, solitary young woman to do? Tighten my bootstraps and keep on keepin' on. Heavy sigh. That seems to always be the answer to my frustrations. Just hang on. Dig your claws in and hang on for dear life.

I had my tarot read the other day, and I find it interesting that every time I get a general spread done, the cards pick the exact same focal point to talk to me about. It's always "something you're determined to do, a project, or a serious focus." Yup. "You might be willing to be malicious about it." Yup. "You have to keep fighting, it's an uphill thing, but you're going to keep doing it." Yup. My whole being, all of my energy just points to this life I want to be living. I need to ask the cards about my emotional life, since, well, that seems to be what's getting sacrificed and where I'm hurting the most.

I really want a personal tarot deck. One that I can bond with and fits my personality and energy. My little beginner deck is great, but it's not me. I don't know where to find one I can love.

Waiting for a Mista Jay, or a Peter Parker to come find me. Or to find him.

I haven't got too much on my to-do list, at least not until I move and this internship is over, but I have enough to keep me occupied, if not a tad lonesome. Yoga, find a job, schedule my move, pack all of my stuff, find a job, write a recommendation for myself (since the woman who will sign it won't write it herself. Very professional, lady.), start the internship paper to earn my 8 credits, find a job. I guess I am pretty occupied, after all.

Love to you.

Captain America

I'm signing the lease on my new apartment tomorrow at 2pm. I can't figure out if I'm terrified or giddy.

The show and gala went very well last night - both of my shows, Rewind and Note to Self: Enunciate, are getting very positive feedback. That's all I can ask for, really. Recognition and positive feedback. And everyone devoured my brownies.

A new friend of mine (in another show in the festival) wants to help me get my ducks in a row so I can start hunting for an agent, since he was extremely disappointed to find out I wasn't signed yet. Apparently wearing my fire engine red pencil skirt is a good way to get noticed. ;)

Seeing Captain America with my co-star tonight after the show - he's the sock one. Also a geek. Why aren't we soulmates. Seriously.

I'm gonna have my very first apartment soon. I'm like, a bit overwhelmed, but so freaking excited. NO MORE DORMS. FINALLY. And, the best part? I HAVE A FIRE ESCAPE!!!

Stress Level Nine

Apartment hunting makes me see the world of rental listings like that. The next 24 hours, I am hoping against hope, will go better than anticipated. I might turn feral in the middle of the street if it gets too insane.

CHEERS.

Tower Defense

I think I'm in the middle of a silent battle for the integrity of my own work, and I have this burning, all consuming, violent need to protect my play. I may not have maternal instincts in terms of human children, but when it comes to my creative work I feel like a poked honey badger. Go look up honey badgers, if you don't think that's a big deal.

Someone is, once again, threatened by my devotion to my art.

Seriously? Seriously.

Their threatened state is threatening my play, Rewind, and I'm not okay with that. Take your issues out on me and me alone, not the condition of my play. Do not ignore me. Do not shut me out of the creative process. Do not get passive-aggressive with me. I don't play passive. I play aggressive. Do not try to turn the cast against me. And above all, do not think I will step back when you do these things, because you have seriously underestimated who I am and how strongly I feel for my art.

Honey badger. Honey. Badger. Bitch.

This internship may not ultimately matter, but do not, under any circumstance, fuck with my art. Don't even go there. Because I will not play nice anymore.

Heat Wave

Heat Index of 109 degrees today.

One hundred. And nine. Degrees.

I'm sorry, Nature, but you seriously suck right now.

___

Clickable things!

Facebook Event.

Craigslist ad.

Show Website.

I made the ad, and did most of the FB event. The website is not finished yet (if I'd been in charge it would have been done a week ago), so it's kind of wimpy looking. But at least we've got stuff out there on the interwebs.

First two performances went well. Averaging 6 people in the audience a night, but we're hoping it will pick up. It better pick up. Actors are threatening to leave if we don't have audiences. I don't blame them, either. It's really unfortunate, since so many of the shows are so good. If you read this and you're in New York, it's good, cheap entertainment, and we could really use the love.

Here, have our dramamine-inducing preview.

That's me. In the red sheet. Not wearing clothes. Yet again.

But tonight, there is no show, so I am lounging in the A/C of my dorm room and trying to soothe my back, which is behaving quite badly today. Tweaked a muscle, the right hand side erector spinae, it feels like, and it's making life a bit difficult. Lucky me I can nap and read and do something for myself today, instead of flying around the theatre like a headless chicken.

Possibly snagging tickets to see Jerusalem again. Crossing my fingers for a double miracle.

I've got one more script to read, and three evaluations left to type up after that. Only one of the plays was any good, so far. I'm praying this next one doesn't hurt to read like the others did. I understand that creating a good script is a work in progress that requires editing and revising multiple times, but you can't edit and revise your way out of having no talent. Heavy sigh.

Love to you. Keep cool, everyone. It's dangerous outside.

Holy Crap.

So it took a skype conversation with my dad this morning for me to actually realize something, since I've been blinded by the filter of my frustration and the haze of asinine behaviour I've been living in for about two months now.

Tonight is my NYC debut, and the play I've written, Rewind, is opening in an Off-Off-Broadway theatre, fully produced and staged. It's more of a big deal than I thought.

Yeah, it's a junky little theatre on the edge of collapse. Yeah, it's as low budget as low budget comes. Yeah, it's been like herding cats trying to get anything done. Yeah, I've become one of the Saints of the Overworked and Unappreciated.

But when I sit and look at it for a moment, and realize where I am and what I'm doing, and that I can punch this into my resume, and I can call myself a playwright and a New York actress - it's almost completely unbelievable, but there it is. Black and white, in that program I spent 3 weeks making.

So, in the end, here I am. One step closer to living that dream that burns inside of me like a sickness, but the kind of sickness I have to suffer in order to live.

__

So now that my awe has passed, I have a crapton to do today. I want to run and get the new issue of the NYU ID card, do my laundry, sort out the concessions bar issue we're currently having (out of pocket expenses, woo), make the tag for the headshot wall, set my costume clothes and props (I'm trying to figure out how I can swing it so I won't have to tote them back and forth anymore), and possibly grocery shop. Though, since my stomach refuses to accept most forms of food on show days, we'll see how much I can force down so I don't get all shaky onstage.

Also, if you've been following me for this long, thank you. If you're new, thank you. If you've ever read anything I've written here, if you accidentally found yourself on this blog, thank you. It's a journey, and you're incredibly kind and loving to have come along with me. I hope this inspires someone else the way I've been inspired. It's like sparks spitting out of my bones someday - I can never, ever stop.

Love to you, darling readers.

Preview

I'm going to hell in a handbasket and frankly, je ne give a damn pas!

That's my director and fellow performer in the show I'm in. From left to right, Saint Marlee of the Unappreciated, Saint Daniel of Collateral Damage, and Saint Harlequin of the Overworked. I make a cute saint.

If you're in NYC, feel free to see the product of my summer months at this hole-in-the-wall theatre. We just repainted the bathrooms, they're pretty. Come see our bathrooms.

Tickets, if you're determined. CLICK.

Southern in the Kitchen

It's been days since I've done my yoga/dance morning workout. I feel like a lardcake and it makes me very unhappy. I've also been eating more than I normally do, so I'm worried I'm going to screw up all the work I've been doing this summer to tone my body. So after this I will do a nice hard session and I'll feel better. Yes.

Thank you, unicorn, for showing this to me. Now she makes me happy and weepy all at the same time. Art keeps paralleling my life. And I'm okay with that.

Tech begins today for the festival at my internship. I keep being told by family and close friends I'm getting too invested in how much this place is frustrating me and disappointing me, and I know it shouldn't shock or surprise me anymore, but it still does. I guess I just don't have it in me to stop fighting for my high standards. I've never understood apathy or giving up. I don't know if I ever will.

Luckily I've found some people who have helped me make it through these past few agonizing months, who are running their skulls into the same brick walls I am, and we share our anger and we drink together and bond over how much better we are for doing it and then leaving this place. Cheers.

I went home for about 36 hours to see HP7 with my family. All hell broke loose at the internship while I was gone, but I wouldn't trade having movie night with my parents and unicorn for anything in the world. It was so worth every minute of train time and headache and frustration. I miss them very much. Home is quite wonderful.

Speaking of home, the apartment search is full steam ahead, but on pause for a week or so, since I'm waiting for the right move-in date to show up so I can go look at potential places. I want to move. I want my own place. I really want my own bedroom, but I don't know if that's gonna happen. I want to decorate. CAN I DECORATE PLEASE THANK YOU.

Also got new jeans. The hole in my heart (and my butt) has been healed, thanks to mama. :)

Wishing for some peace of mind and some love of soul, and all the same for you, dear reader. <3

What Makes A Man

Had to share that before anything else gets written this morning - This song breaks my heart every time I hear it, but in the best kind of painfully gorgeous raw-emotion-leaking-from-my-art-organs heartbreak.

Ah. I've been on such a good aural-art kick the past few days. It makes my blood hum something delicious and warm.

Anywho.

The summer is slowly wrapping itself up - it hasn't been exactly what I expected, or necessarily wanted it to be, and it has been a frustrating, hair-pulling, teeth-gnashing, tear-sobbing experience at times, but I've met some amazing people and am in an amazing little play right now, and I'm getting my 8 credits so I can graduate next May (eep, that's terrifying), and I have, in fact, earned many of those fabulous buzzwords to put on a resume (group coordinator! multi-faceted! management!).

So I haven't really given Summer '11 a verdict yet, since there is still about one month to go before I can call it quits and start hunkering down to prep for school again. And god knows what can happen in one month. I'm hoping it maintains the balance it's currently in; fairly even with the good/bad ratio, but with a couple of sprinkles of good every so often to keep my spirits up.

And my scene partner in the play I'm doing also has a debilitating knee-high sock fetish. Why aren't we soulmates? I do not know. GAH.

Love love.