Solstice

Happy Winter Solstice to everyone. :)

Fall semester is officially over. Somehow I lived. Home for the holidays and some desperately needed R&R for a week or so before I return to NYC for work and homework. I have much to do. Caesar needs to be tackled soon, I have acting assignments and music to learn, and right now I'm battling the sudden, random onset of some sickness. I think I'm having a bad reaction to our Christmas tree. Or I'm catching whatever my mom and brother had.

School is out. One more semester. Brutus is coming. Ain't no rest for the wicked. I'm in love. Christmas in a few days. Quality family time. Quality homefriends time. Lots of work to be done.

Did I mention I'm in love? For the first time. And it terrifies me. But I'm happy. Which is a weird, weird feeling. :)

Et tu?

Brute.

Mau

Last year I discovered that this lovely critter is my spirit animal. Call it pagan, shamanistic, New Age-y if you want, but I has a smiling spotted kitty for a soul. And I know it.

Been reading about cats and how they're proven to actually be extremely beneficial to emotional health. Maybe that's why I've been pining for my fluffy babies back home.

Lense

First day back, and it only took five minutes to want to be home again. I'm like, the greatest, most independent and self-sufficient college kid ever. LET'S GO HOME SOME MORE!!! But I love home, so whatever. Three more weeks and then it's holiday time and I will get more kitty cuddles and homemade food and blah blah blah.

High point of the day - acting class. We did the Uta Hagen Respect for Acting "Three Entrances" exercise with a bonus object exercise all last week and the beginning of this class. I'd done them before, back at SCSU and last year, and it wasn't until this year when I really truly think I understood what this exercise was about. ((Sidenote, I keep getting corrected for my spelling of "exercise" - I wanna type it "exercize" but apparently that's wrong. Come on, google, I like my z's.))

I'll add to this post later (after I get SOME homework done) with the Three Entrances exercise as written in Uta's book. It's incredibly useful at bringing life onto the stage, even if it does take you four damn years to understand it.

So, in short, I did the exercise, honestly didn't think much of my work, but I wasn't about to apologize for anything I did, since that just looks lame if you're all like "well, I wasn't really feeling it, so if it sucked, sorry." But some of the feedback I got was really nice- pointed out what makes my work individual and dynamic in a way that was more than just "you did really well."

The ease of my presentation, the natural quality of my actions, the complete lack of indication or needing "to explain" my actions - I was surprised any of that came across, to be honest, but I'm glad it did. And one of my classmates said something really quite special - how everything I did, the feelings I brought into the exercise with me, they all really affected her, and how I have this quality to really change the motion of an entire room when I come in.

My teacher followed that up with some astute observations on the next step I can take in practicing and doing my work, but also another flattering and surprising comment. He was discussing (in his superfluously verbose sort of way) how each human being has a unique light that only they can bring to the universe, and to slouch or break at the waist or lose posture is bringing that light back in upon themselves and "depriving the world of that indelibly unique light that is you." He said that I do not do that at all, that I have a grace about me (no idea how I got to be graceful in any way, he must not have seen the bruises on my legs from walking into things and tripping) and that I am open and share that unique quality of myself that makes my actions compelling.

Not to say that I don't have miles to go in terms of my skills, but those were very nice things to hear, you know? For many reasons, I've been examining my own self lately and the person I see is not a pretty one. My personal lense is pretty distorted, as are all of our own lenses, so perhaps to get the clearest view it takes many eyes.

So that was my positive thing for the day. We won't talk about ballet or tap. HAH.

Also we got to sing Sweeney Todd in class today. That was also a positive thing. SWEENEY! SWEENEY! SWEEEEEENEEEEEEEEEEY!

Much love.

Rhyme & Reason

Hello.

I think I dropped off the planet for a while there.

My bad.

_

In brief, my November has been chock full of still being employed at Halloween Adventure, auditioning for the sophomore studio projects (called back for The Seven and Julius Caesar [or FemCaesar as I call it, since it's an all female cast]), trying to work out the Freeplay projects, homework, exceptionally deep tissue blisters, Commando coming to visit twice, final semester schedule, Thanksgiving break, broken shoes, overscheduling, not enough cleaning, auditioning at Audible.com, too much food, not enough food, my academic classes being loserfaces, finals, long term projects, considering my living situation for next year (do I have to think about this ALREADY?!), and now, trying to learn how to use a smartphone. IT'S TOO FANCY.

So I actually don't have much to report on, yet. Plenty has been going on, but until I can put the pieces of my brain back together I can't formulate any good life lessons or anything. Hopefully things will level out soon enough. But I really just want to be on break again. Thanksgiving was just a teaser for winter break. So much wonderful, not enough time.

Love to you.

Droog

Happy Halloween, my darlings. My costume last year cannot be beat, but my overall Halloween this year will take an act of the gods to top. What a night. What a month. What a feeling. What fucking fun.

Partied at SLEEP NO MORE - if you're in NYC, check it out. Unlike anything you'll ever see. Ever. And I got to party and dance and drink and feel like a real person, and feel pretty, and I rocked my Clockwork Orange getup.

I love Halloween. I truly do.

Animals

It's 12:30 on a school night. I got home less than an hour ago. My stomach is incredibly unsettled so sleep eludes me for a bit. This is the final week of Halloween Adventure. I don't think I'm going to survive. I've become an essential member of the team, but I'm falling apart. Work is mindless and it's an act I have perfected at a rapid pace - the face of retail, willing to be treated less than human for 8 glorious dollars an hour. The mindlessness is what soothes me, along with the separation from theatre overload. But now I have theatre overload and Halloween overload, and nowhere to escape either, so both have to suffer. And I'm not okay with that.

Happy Halloween. I'm cracking into pieces and trying to balance to keep them together.

I guess I wanted this, though. To have to run and fly and fall with no one to catch me and only me to answer for what I live through. That's the real world, and even though I'm graduating in a matter of months, I still feel like I can't do anything on my own.

At least the weather is pretty.

Danger Danger

A few things.

Egon Schiele. New artistic obsession. Also GERMAN EXPRESSIONISM. I think I have found the equivalent vibration to my art-soul, and it is very dark and twisty and beloved to me.

Somehow I'm incredibly behind in all of my schoolwork, even as I struggle to keep up. Entire projects have caught me blindsided, grades hover tremulously on a knife edge, my perfectionist self is wrestling with what must be sacrificed for the overall good, what classes do I need to skip to catch up, how will I keep up, then? I'm running into the ground but I have no choice but to keep running.

Work is 11 days away from reaching it's end. Within those eleven days, if I don't completely snap or die, it will be a miracle. Even with the absurd hours (hello, 12 hour shift) the money is barely enough to keep me fed and clean and bills paid. I gotta just hang on.

A song. Indelibly.

Maybe The Fall

One of those days. I couldn't make myself stand, so I stayed here. Getting things done. Trying to piece my brain together and steady the world so I can keep going. It's been a rough week. But I'll get through. I always do.

Breathing. One two three. Breathing. Four five six. Breathing.

Day Off

Happy Columbus Day!*

*Happy Celebration of the Raping and Pillaging and Syphilis Spreading to an Already Populated Hemisphere with a Rich and Vibrant Culture!

I get the day off though, so I shouldn't bitch too much. First full day off in over a week. Between studio and work, it's going to put me in a straightjacket before too long, but I'm pretty happy, in spite of my crazy.

My allergies are either horrifically awful or they have progressed into a slight cold, since my voice vanished completely yesterday and I sounded like Fran Drescher with laryngitis at work. Not appealing to customers when they think I'm going to infect them with the black plague or something. Stuffy nose and a creeping cough, too. :( So today I'm going to go on vocal rest for as long as I possibly can. Tea, honey, Ricola and rest is priority number one for today. I have a shitton of homework to do also, but at least none of it requires speaking.

Halloween costume ideas - I have one idea to do at work with the girls, and one for my studio friends. A green witch to match the witches of Leg Avenue, but then I also want to do post-apocalyptic Disney Princesses. A tattered, weaponized and knife wielding Belle, with beast pelt cloak and the rose in her hair.

I meant to write about this the other day but I never found time - my physical acting class with Orlando Pabotoy has been doing really amazing work (similar to Ken Schatz) in lowering the inhibitions and silencing the inner critic and allowing for mistakes to be made and to truly live in them, fully. Because the mistakes he's guiding us into making are wonderful and fun and proving the point that mistakes are more engaging and beautiful than taking everything too seriously.

Love love.