Vibrations

Sorry I've been gone for so long.

Caesar is finally over - it literally took up every waking second of my life, along with academics and studio and bureaucratic, departmental bullshit and sickness and too many things to list. I had a couple of breakdowns, I might have cracked and been put back together a few too many times, and the hairline fractures are starting to show in my brain.

But it is over, it happened, I lived, Brutus beat Caesar, Brutus beat him(her)self, and it was a wonderful experience and I love my Roman ladies and I'm glad I got to play him. But then I got to sleep and start recovering. Spring Break. Woo. Went to Boston for St. Paddy's - excellent and so fun. I do love my Irish darling, Commando. <3 What would I do without him. Go nuts and eat crappy food, that's what.

Been having consistent nightmares for about a week, now. Lots of disasters, floods, massive destruction, submerged planes with rotting corpses in windows, trucks jack-kniving into storefronts, murder, the works. Half of Boston underwater. Even if I can't remember, I've woken up in a startled, groggy panic a few times. I've never been one to dream much, and nightmares are usually few and far between. These are disturbing enough to make me nervous to go to sleep. I've never felt that way before. They're robbing me of rest. I wake up feeling exhausted and nervous.

Hoping it's just a phase, and the lingering edge of the damage Caesar did will soften and fade. I feel like I'm overreacting, my brain is not happy with me, but inside, when I just sit, I can feel how paper-thin something is, how the visible shaking that accompanies anything even remotely stressful is just waiting to come out again. I'm afraid something broke. I'm different. I've been more anxious. I cry more. The fact that NYU isn't making it easier and still screwing with my potential ability to graduate isn't helping.

But I'm alive. Harlequin is still alive, and tomorrow is a new day. And right now, I'm going the fuck to sleep.

Paris Makes Me Feel Like Dancing

Another example of why I love music from overseas. I cannot get enough.

13

Happy Friday the Thirteenth! :)

Just an update post (mostly to motivate myself and rewrite and organize my To-Do list FOR THE FORTY FIFTH TIME THIS WEEK) on what I'm doing:

PRO: One internship application sent out!

CON: They begin reviewing them March 9th.

PRO: Figured out one project monologue to do!

CON: Sacrificing Caesar time in order to do it.

PRO: Contacted teachers who I need information from!

CON: They won't email me back.

PRO: Began working on class music!

CON: It's impossibly complicated and stupidly long and I hate it and can't play piano.

PRO: Have a to-do list!

CON: Keep revising it to make compromises because there's no way in hell it's all getting done to my standards.

PRO: Have an idea for my big acting project!

CON: IT'S NEVER GETTING DONE IT'S NOT RIGHT I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING READY I NEED EMAILED ANSWERS PLEEEEEEASE

PRO: 24 hour trip to SCSU next week!

CON: ... Only 24 hours?

Yuuup.

Magic

I'm just bad at posting regularly.

Some magical moments from my winter break.

Got to see this fantastic, mind blowing production before I came home for break, and literally the only words I had to describe it afterwards were "baptized with joy." It's beyond explanation - "Fuerza Bruta" means "brute force" in Spanish, and the whole thing is simply an explosion of non-stop visual, audible, and emotional impact. I'm a better person, somehow, for having seen it.

Got about two and a half weeks of hometown happiness with my family and cats for the holidays. We all managed to get sick in rotation, so that kind of sucked, but it was wonderful being home.

Back in NYC now, got to spend the weekend with Commando (who I saw Fuerza with and don't have the words for how much I love him), and went to the most magical little gathering I've ever been to on Sunday night.

Ken Schatz (the one and only, who else?) hosts an event known as Exceedingly Good Song Night, in which men and women of every age and creed cozy up in a tiny back room of a bar, drink beer, eat food, and entertain with folk tunes and sea shanties. A concertina ( CLICK THIS LINK ) appeared from the recesses of the group, two guitars, and one instrument I can't quite name, something like a fretted dulcimer, but part of it was upright, and they would join in when they knew the song. It was close and warm and almost hazy, and the songs had such history and some were so rollicking I could hardly keep in my chair. But that room seemed a step out of time when some of the men closed their eyes and in their old, rocky voices began singing ballads of miners and Irish pubs and friends lost in war - I've never seen anything like it, and I'm dying for next month's installment. Perhaps next time I'll have a ditty prepared and earn a few friends in the folk tune crowd.

Hunkering down in my quiet apartment and trying to get a lot of schoolwork done today. But my heart isn't in it. I ache in lots of ways. When I bid Ken goodbye after the folk songs, he hugged me and asked, "When are you free of this school? The school that is holding you down and keeping you away from making art?" Slightly in jest, of course, but he did mean it. He introduced me to his fellow theatre friends as 'a very good actress' and he has never once seen me act. I want my own life. I know I need to be here right now, but I want my own bedroom, I want to work normal hours, have weekends off, live the life I want to live. I'm trapped in a cage I put myself in and pushed the key just out of my reach, all on purpose. And it's just a matter of hanging in there for a few more months, but I'm itching to scream and have what I want.

A week or so of freedom before I'm pinned down again. Let's see what I can do until then.

Solstice

Happy Winter Solstice to everyone. :)

Fall semester is officially over. Somehow I lived. Home for the holidays and some desperately needed R&R for a week or so before I return to NYC for work and homework. I have much to do. Caesar needs to be tackled soon, I have acting assignments and music to learn, and right now I'm battling the sudden, random onset of some sickness. I think I'm having a bad reaction to our Christmas tree. Or I'm catching whatever my mom and brother had.

School is out. One more semester. Brutus is coming. Ain't no rest for the wicked. I'm in love. Christmas in a few days. Quality family time. Quality homefriends time. Lots of work to be done.

Did I mention I'm in love? For the first time. And it terrifies me. But I'm happy. Which is a weird, weird feeling. :)

Et tu?

Brute.

Mau

Last year I discovered that this lovely critter is my spirit animal. Call it pagan, shamanistic, New Age-y if you want, but I has a smiling spotted kitty for a soul. And I know it.

Been reading about cats and how they're proven to actually be extremely beneficial to emotional health. Maybe that's why I've been pining for my fluffy babies back home.

Lense

First day back, and it only took five minutes to want to be home again. I'm like, the greatest, most independent and self-sufficient college kid ever. LET'S GO HOME SOME MORE!!! But I love home, so whatever. Three more weeks and then it's holiday time and I will get more kitty cuddles and homemade food and blah blah blah.

High point of the day - acting class. We did the Uta Hagen Respect for Acting "Three Entrances" exercise with a bonus object exercise all last week and the beginning of this class. I'd done them before, back at SCSU and last year, and it wasn't until this year when I really truly think I understood what this exercise was about. ((Sidenote, I keep getting corrected for my spelling of "exercise" - I wanna type it "exercize" but apparently that's wrong. Come on, google, I like my z's.))

I'll add to this post later (after I get SOME homework done) with the Three Entrances exercise as written in Uta's book. It's incredibly useful at bringing life onto the stage, even if it does take you four damn years to understand it.

So, in short, I did the exercise, honestly didn't think much of my work, but I wasn't about to apologize for anything I did, since that just looks lame if you're all like "well, I wasn't really feeling it, so if it sucked, sorry." But some of the feedback I got was really nice- pointed out what makes my work individual and dynamic in a way that was more than just "you did really well."

The ease of my presentation, the natural quality of my actions, the complete lack of indication or needing "to explain" my actions - I was surprised any of that came across, to be honest, but I'm glad it did. And one of my classmates said something really quite special - how everything I did, the feelings I brought into the exercise with me, they all really affected her, and how I have this quality to really change the motion of an entire room when I come in.

My teacher followed that up with some astute observations on the next step I can take in practicing and doing my work, but also another flattering and surprising comment. He was discussing (in his superfluously verbose sort of way) how each human being has a unique light that only they can bring to the universe, and to slouch or break at the waist or lose posture is bringing that light back in upon themselves and "depriving the world of that indelibly unique light that is you." He said that I do not do that at all, that I have a grace about me (no idea how I got to be graceful in any way, he must not have seen the bruises on my legs from walking into things and tripping) and that I am open and share that unique quality of myself that makes my actions compelling.

Not to say that I don't have miles to go in terms of my skills, but those were very nice things to hear, you know? For many reasons, I've been examining my own self lately and the person I see is not a pretty one. My personal lense is pretty distorted, as are all of our own lenses, so perhaps to get the clearest view it takes many eyes.

So that was my positive thing for the day. We won't talk about ballet or tap. HAH.

Also we got to sing Sweeney Todd in class today. That was also a positive thing. SWEENEY! SWEENEY! SWEEEEEENEEEEEEEEEEY!

Much love.

Rhyme & Reason

Hello.

I think I dropped off the planet for a while there.

My bad.

_

In brief, my November has been chock full of still being employed at Halloween Adventure, auditioning for the sophomore studio projects (called back for The Seven and Julius Caesar [or FemCaesar as I call it, since it's an all female cast]), trying to work out the Freeplay projects, homework, exceptionally deep tissue blisters, Commando coming to visit twice, final semester schedule, Thanksgiving break, broken shoes, overscheduling, not enough cleaning, auditioning at Audible.com, too much food, not enough food, my academic classes being loserfaces, finals, long term projects, considering my living situation for next year (do I have to think about this ALREADY?!), and now, trying to learn how to use a smartphone. IT'S TOO FANCY.

So I actually don't have much to report on, yet. Plenty has been going on, but until I can put the pieces of my brain back together I can't formulate any good life lessons or anything. Hopefully things will level out soon enough. But I really just want to be on break again. Thanksgiving was just a teaser for winter break. So much wonderful, not enough time.

Love to you.

Droog

Happy Halloween, my darlings. My costume last year cannot be beat, but my overall Halloween this year will take an act of the gods to top. What a night. What a month. What a feeling. What fucking fun.

Partied at SLEEP NO MORE - if you're in NYC, check it out. Unlike anything you'll ever see. Ever. And I got to party and dance and drink and feel like a real person, and feel pretty, and I rocked my Clockwork Orange getup.

I love Halloween. I truly do.