Taken for Granted

K: What are you doing after this? When you're done?

A: I don't know. Nothing.

K: Nothing? Life ends. Cease to exist without us?

A: *laughter* Yeah, no, classes, work, you know.

K: Are you graduating after this year?

A: No, a lot of us are still staying. Most of us. So who knows what we'll do.

K: Mm.

A: I'm actually looking to transfer to NYU, actually, waiting to hear back.

K: Oh? What program?

A: Uh, Tisch, School of the Arts.

K: Well, yes, but which studio?

A: The New Studio.

K: *incredibly confused and quizzical look*

A: Musical Theatre.

K: Oh! The New Studio that took over Cap21, I got it. You know, I used to do programs and classes over there, workshops at Tisch, for a while.

A: Really?

K: Yeah. It's interesting over there... whatever you do, don't - don't, ah, don't take anything for granted, that they tell you. Don't let them skimp out, if you will, on your education. If you know what I mean. Don't just take it for what it is, I suppose. I know a lot of people who went through that program who came out with next to no real depth, I guess. It's one of the program's weaker points - well, all programs have their weaknesses - but really, don't take anything for granted. Don't just take it because 'they said it was so.'

A: I won't - that's part of the reason I'm trying to leave. And I haven't even heard anything yet, I'm still waiting -

K: Oh, I'm not worried about you. I just want to make sure you know that.

A: Thank you.

Holding My Breath

"The Admissions Committee will begin notifying transfer applicants of our decision in early to mid-May. Notification will continue on a rolling basis after the end of May. This means that once a decision has been reached on your application you will be notified of that decision. Notification letters are provided by US Postal Service only. We do not notify applicants by e-mail, the internet, or over the telephone."

I can't do this waiting game anymore. I can't.

Cyclops

K: "Do you understand what I was saying, earlier? Do you know?"

A: "Yeah, I do, I was actually just thinking about that."

K: "You have this thing... this thing about being strong, you know?"

A: "Haha, yeah, actually, I totally know what you mean."

K: "There's that thing about being strong or appearing strong or having that strength, which is not a bad thing, it's sometimes a very good thing, but... but there is a time and a place for everything, do you know what I mean?"

A: "Yeah - I've actually been told something similar before, about the whole 'strength' thing."

K: "Mhm... it's like... Do you know the X-Men?"

A: "Hahaha, yes."

K: "You know Cyclops?"

A: "Hahaha, yeah..."

K: "He has to wear those sunglasses, because if he doesn't he'll... burn everybody up, right? But you have to put on those sunglasses sometimes."

A: "It's knowing when to wear the sunglasses and when not to."

K: "Yes, that's right. Because it's okay to wear those sunglasses, to not be a superhero or superwoman and to just be wearing those sunglasses sometimes. Sometimes you have to. Because it's not always about being strong or winning - in your theatrical life sometimes you'll win, sometimes you'll lose, you don't always lose, but every character does at some point. It's finding that and being able to really do it."

A: "To not think about it and just do it."

K: "Exactly."

Mister A to Zee

It also works like this. I am committed to being an artist. I am neither attached to making money nor being poor. I am committed to being an artist.

I am committed to being your friend. I am not attached to you ignoring me when you’re having a bad day. I am committed to being your friend.


Words of love and inspiration from Jason Mraz at his blog, Freshness Factor Five Thousand. How to Make Peace, Brother. I love this man more and more every day for his music, his art, and for what he lives for.

http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/2010/04/how-to-make-peace-brother.html

Life Experience

Taking things from life to use in your work is one of the major foundations of my acting education. Finding the experiences to pull upon to relate to what is happening in the text is critical to finding truth in your work.

Basically that translates to everything that happens, everything that's said to me, everything I see and hear and feel is all fair game to be used someday internally to create something external.

Major life experiences happen without warning, and you know you're dedicated to your art when one of the first coherent thoughts you can form afterwards is how wonderful it is that you've now got lots more to feel and to use.

I go to school in a city where tough shit can go down, where ghetto means ghetto and street means street, and little ginger, white, suburban pseudo-hipster girl me didn't realize exactly what that can mean until I saw it first hand this afternoon. I'm fine, but that stuff makes a serious impact on your mental well being, and so part of my coping mechanism is detaching myself and figuring out where to stash it in the filing cabinets of feelings.

It'll be excellent to draw on later, but for now it's a little fresh in my head. But this is a log of everything I learn about this craft, so here it is. Take everything you can get. Don't go looking for it, life finds you. A relaxing walk with a friend can turn into sprinting down a street with your heart in your throat and your mind white with shock and fear. But it's all good. It's all going to be fine.

Sacrifice

This isn't really a new sort of revelation, but a lot of things have helped me identify it and kind of lay it out in the open. It's an obstacle to this dream of mine that could be one of the harder ones I've ever had to face, and although I know without even thinking that I have to just keep going regardless, this one gives me pause, and it hurts.

In my relentless drive and motivation to learn more and take every opportunity and become the absolute best I can be, there are aspects of my life that suffer because of how much effort and time I put into the theatre part. Most of everything I do is based around something theatrical. Rehearsing for shows, rehearsing for classroom pieces, memorization for shows, memorization for classroom pieces, books on acting technique for classes, solo practice of scenes and monologues, homework assignments, tech hours, offering absurd amounts of my time to facets of shows and the department I have nothing to do with, a lot of emotional strain from work being done, a lot of physical strain. Because of all this, which does make me happy, I have such a limited array of close friends and people I can turn to when I need help or am hurting. I am very alone, and though I see plenty of my friends regardless, it's the same people and it's not the same as quality people time.

I guess what this means is, do I accept being lonely for much of my life for the sake of my career, or do I sacrifice my code of excellence for social happiness?

I'm at an unfair age to be dealing with this. But that is the life I chose. Live it and love it, regardless.