Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thanks so much for e-mailing me. It does sound like things are waking up especially if its the psoaz muscle that is part of that diaphram. The body wants to take in more breath and open. So I would say- if there is a time you can be quiet- lie down on your back and allow the breath to go to where the pain is. Ask the pain what it is iy wants you to know or to pay attention to? wait for an answer,listen-avoid rushing. Give your self the luxary of gentleness. You can also send a beam of yellow light into the pain as well as an intnetion of unconditional self-love. Some very young part of you may show up. Allow what ever wants to express itself to express- especially tears-stuck tears.From Laura Fine:
Read also in The Exceptional Actor about the 3rd chakra and the heart or 4th chakra. Note the exercises she give and then return to Chapter 5 in Part One around p 44 The process of reclaiming life force. Do that exercise and see what happens. For your Heart, do the 3 step Heart Meditation technique on 55 and also drop your grounding chord and fill yourself with the white light before you go to class during the day and see if that helps the sense of safety. I am ccing Laura in case she has anything to add. The body when it is ready to let go of old patterns starts to pop like popcorn. Its just energy- it can't hurt you- only free you to be more of who you already are.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I know I have a ton of stuff that is pressing and needs to get done, but I feel like today needs to be about me, or something good for me, something to refresh my spirit, I guess. I know if I sit and try to study it just won't happen, because my mind is elsewhere. Not sure where it is, but maybe I'll go looking for it today.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Everything yesterday feels like it’s from some dream. All very Inception of me. I woke up and couldn’t understand what happened and what didn’t. Some of it still feels vague. I’m still mildly confused about what did occur and what didn’t, even after I see visible proof. Maybe I’m just tired.
I had a dream that I was a cutter. My arms were only slightly scarred, but my family hated me for it. Judged me. I covered up the cuts and scars with black electrical tape.
Debating whether to go to my voice lesson today or not. Part of me just does not feel like I can do it right now. Part of me knows I have to. I keep waking up early every day but all I want to do is sleep.
EDIT: Am not going to my lesson. I need to put the pieces of my brain back together.
Been really thinking on why I’m doing this – the acting thing. I’ve had a few discussions with different people lately about the subject, and I’m finding a trend that disturbs me. Or maybe I just don’t understand it. Or maybe I’m naïve. But I’ve been asked what the ultimate goal is, the ultimate dream of this is, and I answer honestly that I just want to make art and share it with as many people as possible, to perform and feel and make others feel and see beauty and pain. I don’t need a big apartment. I don’t need a lot. I just want to be able to live off of what I do and share my art. Broadway would be amazing, sure, and that’s a level of performance I’d love to get to someday. But it’s not the end-all be-all of this journey.
And for so many others I talk to, it’s fame. It’s money. It’s power. It’s mainstream big lights, big laughs, awards, TV, Hollywood. And that’s what they want out of this – and I don’t judge them or blame them, I just feel a little disillusioned. Am I naïve for believing in art the way I do? I guess I once believed that NYU would be filled with people who felt the way I did, whose passion drove them there because they had no other choice, they perform because they have to. But I guess not. I’m seeing more and more that the art turns into a lust for “network comedies” and “my name in lights” and money. Yeah, I want money. Who doesn’t want money? But this is not the business for money.
So I guess I’m wondering where the art is, and if I’m really running this gauntlet alone.
I also don’t think I’m eating well enough right now. I get so busy doing homework and wrapped up in what I’m doing that I just forget to eat. I think I had cereal, coffee and a handful of some snack food yesterday. Nuts and banana chips around lunchtime. My eating habits are very sporadic.
I’ve sort of given myself a little side project, which is extremely difficult for me, but I want to try anyway. I’ve taken Sylvia Plath’s poem “Mad Girl’s Love Song” and I have made it my project to create music for it. I don’t have music in my blood the way some people do, but I figure that trying to do this will help me understand the music theory I’m struggling with right now. I don’t even know how to begin, but I want to try.
Olympia Dukakis is coming to my acting class tomorrow – very exciting. She’s doing some exercises with us and I’ll be sure to share, if I can write it down true to her teachings.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I don’t suppose jealousy can be counted as a motivating force. But I find myself increasingly jealous of things these days. Nothing specific, it’s nothing hurtful, or an overly cruel kind of jealousy aimed at anyone in particular (except maybe one case but we can’t all be saints, now can we), but it’s making me feel gross inside, these feelings of anger and bitterness at what I don’t have. It’s all revolving around how I have not been able to audition or audition successfully and how I am not in a production of anything right now. I know I have SOME talent. I got here, didn’t I? And I’m seething that I can’t show it at all.
I watch shows and I think of how I might do in a role. I hear of other people having opportunities and getting cast (in shows I adore, no less, in roles I would kill for, and they’re shallow, pretty girl party animals) or doing promo voice-over recordings or getting calls from agents or even simply going to auditions, just being successful and not hindered by a broken ear and I want to lash out at everything. Unfairness was never something I dealt with well. I’m waiting for my chance. It’s hard to want to focus completely on school and excel but also want to start getting out there and doing things. I don’t have the physical energy to be doing it all, and I certainly don’t have enough hours in the day.
I feel that my dancing won’t get me anywhere special, because I will never be the best at it, so I can fake it and whatever, but my acting and my voice have to be what makes me something different. Something no one can resist watching or listening to. I just need validation of that and the chance to see if all this time and money and blood and sweat is really helping me improve. I need to perform. I need to live what I’m doing.
Regardless, I guess I’ve got to just keep on keeping on, for now. I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. It makes me sick.
Focusing a lot of my effort right now on getting my flexibility and strength back (pushups almost killed me) so that I can really start honing my dance. Or, actually, just being able to dance at all. That would be nice. Also really trying to dig to understand the music theory that has just been going right over my head; I’m not sure how much it’s going to take for me to really start understanding, but I have no choice if I want to succeed. I feel so behind. I often wonder what they saw in me to bring me here, and whether it was a fluke. I believe in my abilities, but it’s hard to stay so confident when I am bombarded with challenges that seem determined to beat me into submission and some misery-inducing cubicle job for the rest of my days.
The people in my support system have such faith in me. I feel like I have to be perfect to prove that they aren’t mistaken. Perfect. What a horrifying word. I don’t even know what it means. I know what I want to be, and I guess that’s my version of perfect. I just hope it doesn’t kill me on the way.
Today is for homework - play reading, analysis, textbook reading, note taking, music studying, music searching, vocalizing, line learning, theory studying, stretching, piano putzing. Maybe some of it will get done.