Dreams

I had a "business" meeting yesterday, discussing the nitty gritty of how the business of the business works. It was incredibly enlightening and educational, and I'm so grateful for it. I'll share those agent-style tips in my next post, but for now, this is about the gut feeling and realization I had. I felt a bit naive and wounded afterwards, only because I've been struggling so much about graduating and where I fit in the real world, am I ready, can I do this, do I really want to, et cetera.

I felt naive and hurt because I realized, for the first time, really, that all of these dreams I've got, all those dreams I listed in a recent post, everything that I want out of my life, I realized that I probably won't get to have them. Not all of them. That I'm going to get old and there will always be something I haven't done. It's not that I'm giving up, it's just that I don't know if there's enough time in one life. And that's something I've never come to terms with before. I don't want to feel this way. I want to believe that I can have everything I dream of. Isn't that what my generation was fucking raised on?

My last academic acting class, my last academic voice lesson, my last dance classes, my last scheduled Wednesday, it's all just hitting me in a way that makes me feel like I'm being edged out of a circle I never had a place in to begin with. All of my friends, my classmates, they're looking to the next year, ready for new opportunities and the safety of guaranteed housing and organized schedules, and I don't know what direction I'm looking. I'm looking down a road and I don't know what road it is, where it's going, I can't see potholes, I can't see turns, or doors or whether it just stops completely. I'm floating in space and I really, really don't quite know how to move forward.

It's been a day of being pushed away from anything inspiring. Cancelled appointments, a miserable dance teacher, professionals who are anything but, elitism, and then just plain exhaustion and sickness. So it's been a trying sort of day, but through it all I managed to somehow build myself back up in a moment of quiet, and it gave me a little more strength to make it through my last, 3 hour class post-studio. Which I'm currently typing this blog in. So clearly I'm utilizing my time well.

Later I'll fill you in on more important things, like the technicalities about agents and how I'm going to attempt to conduct myself in the next few months, just to really chronicle the very awkward struggle of a post-grad actor alone in the real world for the first time. But now it's just making it through to the end, and thinking too deeply on the nature of dreams and aspirations.

I don't want to give up.