Flat Like Paper

A few things -

This past month has been full, and yet empty. I've spent the last few weeks apartment hunting day in and day out, as have my parents (they are the greatest parents in the whole world, I can't express how grateful I am), and most days doing intern work for the lovely and stupidly talented Ken Schatz. I'll begin his classes next month, so hopefully those will shift my gears a little.

I was on my first film set yesterday and the day before - Production Assistant sounds all fancy fun, and it certainly had some wonderful moments (sugar glass is AWESOME stuff), but the biggest lesson learned is that I am not cut out for menial labor. But doesn't everyone say that? And then doesn't everyone who says that get stuck in it forever? I met some amazing people, and I'm super stoked to possibly stay in touch with them, and Ken was involved, so it was obviously delightfully fun, in that aspect, but it was an all night shoot, averaging 90 degrees in the building, and I didn't get to watch much of the shoot at all, which was unfortunate. A fabulous learning experience nonetheless.

Learning a lot about the city's neighborhoods as I travel miles around the subway system to areas I've never been to, places I've never heard of, and realizing that being a little ginger white girl in NYC on a small, post-grad budget kind of sucks.

Need to get in touch with Laura, see if and when I'm back on at the store. I'm poor and I hate it. I'm still incredibly financially dependent (another thing I can't express enough gratitude for, since my parents are goddamn saints), which I also hate, and the grind that is apartment hunting and being extremely poor and having none of my friends around and feeling so empty, creatively, is leaving me with disturbing thoughts and a startling apathy. I don't know if it was the mental and emotional abuse of this past semester and Caesar, or if it's just post-graduation mental fluctuations, or something deeper, and more dangerous, but the apathy and hollowness of my creative desire is upsetting. What do I need to do? I'm stuck in this not-quite-real-life state, with my time at this apartment running out and no foreseeable place to call home, no job, no steady schedule, no income, and no real direction anymore.

I'm sure it's a thing for everyone, questioning their purpose and what they're doing with their life, but I don't like it. I don't like it at all.