I seek to understand so much about myself - it's the only way to learn to twist my mind and my body and my soul to create what I need to create. It's far too late to be doing this right now.
A different voice to HIM.
ME: tell me - could you see where you were going to be eight years ago?
HIM: no way... i had no idea. my drive and ambition for performance is all coming from years and years of innate practice, just living a crazy life. but i know what i am supposed to do, in order to make my mark in this world. the fact that you know now, is amazing, its fucking fantastic.
HIM: because now all you have to do is LIVE. and while you live, you can experience everything with that lens, storing it all and computing it in your mind and muscle for theatre. the hard part (intelligence, education, work ethic, drive, etc) is already there.
ME: sometimes living is the hard part, yeah? haha... it's a funny road we walk, but I like my shoes just fine.
ME: whenever i think about what it is to be an artist and what I've unintentionally but willingly started to do with my life, I get such a wierd, existential, second-minded passion going on
HIM: isnt it awesome? it can be frustrating, but at least you know you will never work for the sake of working, marry for the sake of marrying....it will never be mundane
ME: I could never live a mundane life - it would kill me
ME: the very thought of it threatens to kill me
HIM: you will always be passionate, and everything you do will always have that weird existential crazy reason behind it. and it is that that makes life worth living.
I'm stuck in place right now, I feel. Frozen in time, suspended while part of me runs around creating a chaos to live in and ease the emptiness of that waiting sensation. No amount of confidence or knowledge can make that feeling go away.
I was told in simple words what the emptiness in my heart was, a long time ago. I was fifteen years old, I think. Four years isn't that long, in the grand scheme of things, but a lot of shit went down in four years. Life altering things. But I'm understanding the depth behind those simple words.
There are people I miss very much right now. I don't think they even realize how much I miss them, or why.
I never considered myself a Fatalist, but I believe in Fate with all of my being. I'm holding her hand and I won't bother fighting this time - she hasn't let me down yet. All things in time, she says. Her sound is a dream, her words a coincidence.
I need to go to bed. Right now.