Performing isn't a problem - every performance is a test of my education and willpower and a chance to prove myself one more time, so performing is just as focused as ever (though the children's show leaves something to be desired...). Just the managerial crap, and tolerating people who don't deserve any tolerance, and faking smiles and subservience, and having no desire to help people who refused to help me.
As I was discussing with my dad this morning, I realized "When I was little i thought the grown up world was all professional, and that the stupid, mean kids would grow out of it. Now I know that those stupid, mean kids just grow up and take their petty, lazy behaviour with them, it just changes form. And it's not a fun moment of being disillusioned when you find out grown ups are just as awful as kids, they just have more power to make your life miserable or difficult." So what is a disillusioned, solitary young woman to do? Tighten my bootstraps and keep on keepin' on. Heavy sigh. That seems to always be the answer to my frustrations. Just hang on. Dig your claws in and hang on for dear life.
I had my tarot read the other day, and I find it interesting that every time I get a general spread done, the cards pick the exact same focal point to talk to me about. It's always "something you're determined to do, a project, or a serious focus." Yup. "You might be willing to be malicious about it." Yup. "You have to keep fighting, it's an uphill thing, but you're going to keep doing it." Yup. My whole being, all of my energy just points to this life I want to be living. I need to ask the cards about my emotional life, since, well, that seems to be what's getting sacrificed and where I'm hurting the most.
I really want a personal tarot deck. One that I can bond with and fits my personality and energy. My little beginner deck is great, but it's not me. I don't know where to find one I can love.
Waiting for a Mista Jay, or a Peter Parker to come find me. Or to find him.
I haven't got too much on my to-do list, at least not until I move and this internship is over, but I have enough to keep me occupied, if not a tad lonesome. Yoga, find a job, schedule my move, pack all of my stuff, find a job, write a recommendation for myself (since the woman who will sign it won't write it herself. Very professional, lady.), start the internship paper to earn my 8 credits, find a job. I guess I am pretty occupied, after all.
Love to you.
I am afraid I am starting to use your comments section as a way to have someone to relate to... If you get sick of it, just tell me to stop and I will, lol. Our current production has been amazing. Sold out shows, extra shows added on, dark night performances, et al. But last night was the worst performance I have ever seen at our little theatre. It was a dark night for a local bank, they brought food and alcohol, and most of our cast and crew spent the night eating and drinking while the rest of us struggled to do scene changes and be on stage in time without them... I got "shushed" by four different people who were acting like our performance was a cocktail party as I was trying to fix a set piece that, if it failed (And it eventually did because I didn't have time to fix it by my self in time for it to get wheeled bac on...) it could have seriously injured someone, and our director who is a WONDERFULLY loving and passionate individual was told he only wanted to do extra shows because of the money when NONE OF US get paid for our productions there... I feel like myself and a small group of others are barely treading water in a sea od stupidity... I hope things get better for you and will, as always, keep you in my prayers...
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