Green Eyed

I don’t suppose jealousy can be counted as a motivating force. But I find myself increasingly jealous of things these days. Nothing specific, it’s nothing hurtful, or an overly cruel kind of jealousy aimed at anyone in particular (except maybe one case but we can’t all be saints, now can we), but it’s making me feel gross inside, these feelings of anger and bitterness at what I don’t have. It’s all revolving around how I have not been able to audition or audition successfully and how I am not in a production of anything right now. I know I have SOME talent. I got here, didn’t I? And I’m seething that I can’t show it at all.

I watch shows and I think of how I might do in a role. I hear of other people having opportunities and getting cast (in shows I adore, no less, in roles I would kill for, and they’re shallow, pretty girl party animals) or doing promo voice-over recordings or getting calls from agents or even simply going to auditions, just being successful and not hindered by a broken ear and I want to lash out at everything. Unfairness was never something I dealt with well. I’m waiting for my chance. It’s hard to want to focus completely on school and excel but also want to start getting out there and doing things. I don’t have the physical energy to be doing it all, and I certainly don’t have enough hours in the day.

I feel that my dancing won’t get me anywhere special, because I will never be the best at it, so I can fake it and whatever, but my acting and my voice have to be what makes me something different. Something no one can resist watching or listening to. I just need validation of that and the chance to see if all this time and money and blood and sweat is really helping me improve. I need to perform. I need to live what I’m doing.

Regardless, I guess I’ve got to just keep on keeping on, for now. I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. It makes me sick.

Focusing a lot of my effort right now on getting my flexibility and strength back (pushups almost killed me) so that I can really start honing my dance. Or, actually, just being able to dance at all. That would be nice. Also really trying to dig to understand the music theory that has just been going right over my head; I’m not sure how much it’s going to take for me to really start understanding, but I have no choice if I want to succeed. I feel so behind. I often wonder what they saw in me to bring me here, and whether it was a fluke. I believe in my abilities, but it’s hard to stay so confident when I am bombarded with challenges that seem determined to beat me into submission and some misery-inducing cubicle job for the rest of my days.

The people in my support system have such faith in me. I feel like I have to be perfect to prove that they aren’t mistaken. Perfect. What a horrifying word. I don’t even know what it means. I know what I want to be, and I guess that’s my version of perfect. I just hope it doesn’t kill me on the way.

Today is for homework - play reading, analysis, textbook reading, note taking, music studying, music searching, vocalizing, line learning, theory studying, stretching, piano putzing. Maybe some of it will get done.