Weekend Update

So I meant to sit back last night and just type out what I've been thinking about these past few days, but since I hadn't been to bed before 4am for two days and last night managed to be another post-midnight evening, sleep was just too sweet to ignore, even for the pressing thoughts in my head.

This weekend was wonderful, but had an almost bittersweet tone to it. Not maudlin, but more melancholy aftertaste. The audition Friday was quite the experience (and no, I did not receive a follow-up call, but that's probably all for the best anyway), and was similar to Circle last year in that it was an experience that just gave me a taste of what can be out there and how much I want it.

Meg came to visit, and we hit the town and I realized how much I have yet to learn as a functioning, social human being. A man bought me a drink because I looked "bored out of my mind." I'm quite the social butterfly, if you couldn't tell. It was wonderful to see her. She'd been in Australia for most of the past year and I missed her very, very much. We went to see Treasure Island on Saturday night because she was also in Ken's Circle class last year, and we went for drinks with him afterwards and chatted and caught up and it was wonderful beyond words. I really do enjoy quiet, relaxed company talking about everything and nothing rather than braving bar scenes. But I'll have to learn it all, I suppose. Not the city to be quiet and meek in.

Sunday she went home, and I spent some time doing homework and feeling rather sad because I was by myself again, and it made me realize how much I miss having company I can talk to. I love my classmates here so much, but I'm not in the mindset of an 18-year old anymore. Even when I was 18, 19, I don't think I was the typical example of that age range anyway.

I think I am having a young adult life crisis? I don't know what you'd call it. This absolute burning need to have my own place, be working, paying my own bills, running the auditions circuit, taking classes, living my own life. Maybe baby bird has finally grown in her pinion feathers and is sick of watching the trees from far away. One of the most alluring things about the Rent auditions and the faint hope of possibly being cast was having to shift everything and live in New York, just to have this life of my own. I've realized I'm trying to figure out exactly what would make me the happiest, and what I have to do to get me to that point, and none of it is clear.

I dunno. Just one of those things simmering around inside my head.

Back to the grind now - I need to apply for internships ASAP or I'm totally fucked. I just scheduled an advisement appointment for class scheduling for next year. I have a voice lesson in an hour. Studio tomorrow. So my longing for my own life will have to be put on hold for a while, I guess.

EDIT: A little additional note I wanted to add after coming back to this from my day; I don't want this to sound like I'm truly unhappy, because I'm not. The audition gave me a bright validation that yes, with time and effort I can do this. I'm receiving praise and note from classmates, and my voice teacher is unsurprisingly quite pleased. It's just that I feel like I'm missing a piece of something, and I don't know what it is.